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Watch me
Vanessa's the name.
Forgive the occasional language errors.
Get it going

Its not how good you are,
its how good you want to be.

I can't take it
Sunday, February 28, 2010

i went to sleep last night, confident that i will not screw up. i woke up this morning with a good feeling that i will actually do well. i went for all comers and realise what i felt wasnt true at all.
And i just want you to know that i really tried.
Good thing today is that i didnt feel panicky or nervous or stressed at all. all that was on my mind is to whip fast and react fast. and it didnt turn out good at all ):
actually, when i was throwing, i thought i was doing okay, but i only realise it wasn't until we were being debriefed and Mr ng said that today we were all very very slow and there was no speed, no rhythm, nothing at all. then it struck me that i didnt throw well at all. Mr Ng looked really angry and i feel like i have let him down ): because he believed in me but all i do is throw lousy throws. Even so, he was nice and explained to us that we have done our part in training and nothing that the others are doing are things that we dont do in school. mr tan was really nice too when he told me that no matter how many throwers im competing against, in the end its just me and the javelin and its up to me to decide how far i want to throw. i felt so bad that i wanted to cry but i remember how mr tan said he dont have respect for athletes who cry after competitions. i feel like a complete loser because ever since Nationals last year, i've been crying after all my competitions. because i know that i can do better and i have done better, but im just not doing it at all and i dont know why. ): throwing means alot to me and its the only thing that i have ever done well in, i really hope i will get back up again soon, back to throwing what i should be throwing. and now im very scared that im going to stay stuck at 20m. I WANT TO GET BACK UP AND THROW FURTHER. I HAVE THROWN FURTHER BEFORE, SO I BELIEVE I CAN DO IT AGAIN. i hope mr ng wont give up on me ): and i really hope i will get into school team, i really worked for this but it seems like things are not good at all ):
I need to learn to be mentally strong and i need to believe in myself. i have to and i will.
11:50 AM

Friday, February 26, 2010

I think my juniors secretly hate me. but yknow what. i cant be bothered about it at all.
7:50 PM


WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. MR TAN IS NICE I MIGHT GET TO GO YOG <3<3<3 i hope there will be vacancies.
Wheeeeeeeee. Jiaying if you read this, SMILE :D
i love training. yknow why? even when i dont throw well and i feel like dying from doing gym, you still have throwers there to make you laugh and feel better. throwers are the only people in the world that make me feel so loved and cared for (:
When you have throwers, you dont need anyone else. Throwers are awesome because they're always there for you! and when you feel like dying, they always make you feel better :D and they're the funniest people in the world that laugh at retarded things that arent even funny. :D
6:59 PM

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I WILL NOT GIVE UP BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN DO BETTER. I HAVE DONE BETTER, YES I CAN.
its okay that im throwing 20m or somewhere there now because i will get better. i will do anything to get better. if i have to do more weights, i will; if i have to eat less or more or whatever, I WILL. BECAUSE I WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET BACK ON FORM.
Vaneh will not give up :) i will work my way up to 25m again. one more month to nationals. I CAN DO THIS.
10:35 PM

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

ZHIXUAN WROTE ME A SONG :)
she's so sweet. i love how my friends care about me.
7:58 PM

Monday, February 22, 2010

I AM SHOCKED THAT HUIJUEN ACTUALLY SMSED ME O:!
therefore i conclude my hypothesis of HuiJuen is very nice into a theory. HAHA, i think i phrased that entire sentence wrongly but i dont want to think cos im very tired from studying SS. HAHAHA.
HUIJUEN IS SO CARING :) so is mr ng :) i am so touched.
i am also very touched beacuse alot of people care for me and i am very touched :) thankyou, i love all of you :)
and i googled Vaneh Chung and realised i appeared on alot of people's blog. IM SO TOUCHED THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY BLOG ABOUT ME. hahahah. so sweeeet. and hahaha, it brings back nice memories from those posts. Like i found this post where Lee was talking about open house and she helped me. hahahha, I LOVE YOU LEEE. hahaha. she was my favourite senior for that second ;)
and then i found this post where Lisa dedicated to throwers! haha. awww. i feel touched. and there was this one where Alethea said i cared. :)
i feel loved.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP :)
I LOVE YOU ALL AND I LOVE ME.
11:43 PM


Today is so screwed ):
sorry natalie if i scared you, hahahha. i seriously didnt mean it. hahah. you laugh some more, LAUGH. I <3 Natalie, Alethea, Jervenne, Chloe, ZhiXuan, YenYin, Aishwarya, Lenis, Lee, WenQi, Cassandra and whoever i missed out. I LOVE YOU ALL FOR CARING :)

trials was screwed like fuck. its been almost a month and all i've been throwing is 20m, 21m. i want to kill myself. ever since i hit that awesome 28/29m, i never got anywhere near 25m. i want to die and kill myself and die again and maybe just kill myself a few more times. im really scared what if thats how im going to be forever ):
i know i need to wack harder, i need to go faster for my last two steps, i have to lean back further before i throw, i have to use my upper body muscles to drive, i need to drive faster harder angrier. i tell myself to do all that before every throw, im still not getting it ): all im getting are screwed throws. i want to kill myself. im really afraid that people will give up on me. but im really trying ): why is it not working. they tell me im too tensed, i try to relax, it doesnt work either. NOTHING WORKS ): i really want to make it into the school team. i know everybody wants it too, i'm really trying ):
7:09 PM

Sunday, February 21, 2010

TOMORROW I WILL NOT GIVE UP. TOMORROW EVEN I WILL TRY HARDER. TOMORROW I WILL GIVE EVERYTHING I HAVE FOR TRAINING.
9:51 PM


and i'll tell you thats alot. i was really looking forward to today and now its just ruined. and im really getting sick and tired of being rejected and ignored by you.
i'm just going to stop trying and leave you alone.
11:49 AM

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I LOVE TODAY BECAUSE THROWERS MADE IT AWESOME.
I HATE TODAY BECAUSE YOU ALL LIED TO ME.

throwers are the bomb :) it was fun to bai nian at mr ng's house. hoho. ate like alot laahzxs. played blackjack the entire day and lost like the entire day and only won back in the evening when almost everyone left. haha. and i only won because mr ng was nice to us and let us win. :)THANK YOU MR NG WE LOVE YOU.
spent the entire afternoon whining cos natalie won all my money hahaha. then realised there were others who lost more but didnt say anything. i learnt that i should have never whined. i had fun with throwers :) and i saw this small girl weishan! omg she's the cutest girl ever :)

i feel sad because. okay maybe i dont want to talk about it.

THROWERS <3
10:25 PM

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

omg im going out soon and im damn sleepeeeey. hahahaha, like wth omg i want to sleeeeeeep. i had this super weird dream. Like Mr Eng was electrocuted and i had to save him O_O cos apparently nobody knew how to. HAHAH. then wth, Mr Tan said i was a good life saver! HAHA funnneeeeey. then someone passed me a set of english paper and then was like, YOU! Check this paper! then im like, there's nothing wrong with it. and suddenly Mr Frith appeared and told me the passage is too long so dont need to do. and i was like, so if Olevels they give long passages, we dont do them? O_O then my alarm clock rang and i had to wake up. Damn it. HOHOHO. that dream was weird.
AND NOW I AM HUNGRY NOMNOMNOM. CAN YALL HURRY UP SO WE CAN LEAVE. EEEEEEEK
i just realise i havent do my english homework. SHIT.
X;
school's starting tmr ): i am saaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
11:49 AM

Monday, February 15, 2010

i dont see whats wrong with me tying to be myself.
can you please just shut up about being sad and leave me alone?
3:46 PM

Sunday, February 14, 2010

People who give you hongbaos are nice. i like people who give me hongbaos, yknow why? because they care :) they want to protect you from that evil monster and hongbao keeps it away. I love CNY because i feel loved, hohoho.
11:36 AM


HAHAH, omg when i wrote my blog title, i suddenly remember how Mr Tan dknow how to write the chinese characters so he ended up writing GXFC on the board. HAHAHA.
ANYWAY. XIN NIAN KUAI LE HOHOHO, its new year already :) and yknow how everyone always sends you chinese smses to wish you happy new year. and its always omfgly long. HAHA i never read them. i feel bad but oh wellzxs. christopher lee looks ugly -.-
HOHO, reunion dinner <3 i like i like.
i am looking forward to tmrrrrrrr :D:D
NEW CLOTHES HOHOHO NEW SHOES HOHOHO NEW EVERYTHING I LIKE I LIKE. visitingzxs. eh i actually look like a girl this CNY :) HOHO.
OH YEAH AND HAPPY VALENTINES DAY YEAAAHHH :) HOHOHO. hope you get lots of candy and chocolates and hugs and kisses and love :)
Fengshui master says i need to treasure my time and sleep more :) and be nicer to everyone. HOHO. i love cny.

WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE? <3
12:12 AM

Saturday, February 13, 2010

ITS NEW YEAR'S EVE!
hoho, are you excited? and its Vday eve toooo :)
actually. im not that excited myself. the cny feeling hasnt exactly set in yet. training yesterday was fun :) we only did medicine ballll. thanks everyone who gave me Vday gifts :) LOVE YOU ALLLL. every vday, my risk of getting diabetes increase. nyehhhh.
i think my juniors secretly hate me because FIONA refused to tell me whats going on and she kept saying i am nice. which i think she meant it sarcastically.

i'm starting to get annoyed with you for drowning yourself in self pity the all the time instead of trying to get better. i dont know how to help you anymore. maybe, i dont want to care anymore.
2:20 PM

Thursday, February 11, 2010

umm, i really dknow what to do about you. Maybe I should just give up. Yeah, maybe. ):
10:14 PM

Monday, February 8, 2010

today has been a really tiring day ):
it was pretty sucky, but yeah. tried singing in the gym to keep myself awake and make myself feel better. NURSERY RHYMES FTW.
Today like any other day, my life feels fucked up
10:33 PM


I think i messed up.
12:29 AM


ALETHEA I DO NOT LIKE THE PREVIOUS POST ABOUT HOW YOU WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL TEAM BECAUSE THAT IS NOT TRUE.
you should never never say that because there is still time to improve before they decide who will be in the school team and i think no one should stop fighting until the team is confirmed. and even if you dont make it into the team, it does not mean that you stop trying either. because you are still part of throws and you should never give up on yourself. NEVER. everyone has an equal chance to be in the school team and if you give up on yourself, you just made the possibility of getting into school team to like 0%. please dont do that. we still have 1more month to Nationals, JIAYOU THROWERS, we can do this okay. <3
12:09 AM

Sunday, February 7, 2010

NOW I JUST WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND DIE AND MAYBE JUST RUN AWAY FROM EVERYTHING NOW COS I REALLY WANT TO DIE AND I REALLY DKNOW WHAT TO DO.
6:58 PM


HAHAHA. going for lessons with my brother is hilariously fun. HOHOHO. during lesson today, we eavesdropped on other people's conversation. HAHA. not intentionally, since they were already talking so loudly. hahaa. and there was this sec1 boy whom i guess was very happy to talk to this girl, unknowingly insulted his own school. hahahahahahaha. i dknow why i kept lauging after he said that, but i thought it was very funny, even though it wasnt that funny. hohohoh.
had lunch at mac and i thought it was raining indoors because i could feel droplets falling down.
spent the entire afternoon watching FRIENDS until i fell asleep ):
I <3333333333333333 Joeeeeeeeeeeeey
6:15 PM

Saturday, February 6, 2010

DISCUS ALL COMERS WAS. fun today. hahaha. hmm. i threw like 17m+ according to mr ng. i have this feeling that i might get scolded on monday for not taking this all comers seriously ahhahahaa. but whatever lah. i threw into zone1s. HAHA.
Jiayou Lee and Lenis and Zhixuan for shot put tmr :)

WHEE, im starting to miss Javelin. i hope monday training will be good :)
8:25 PM


I learnt not to trust anyone with your heart because someday somehow they're just going to break it anyway.

i have all comers laterrr. i dknow how im going to do, im not nervous, im not excited, hmm i wonder whats wrong with me. watched FRIENDS S4 yesterday! HOHOHO, how i love them. JOEY IS FUNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY OMG I LOVE HIM HAHAHA, HE'S DAMN RETARDEDDDDD. like wth, he got robbed because he wanted to prove to this random guy that his cupboard was deep and wide enough to fit him. then the guy locked him inside HAHAHA, omg so funny.
11:28 AM

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

TODAY. is tiring ): i love trainings, because there's this special thing about it that makes your worse day better. full gym was whooosh, fast. then we threw. did discus today :) i am happy with my distance today, i hope i can throw like that during all comers too :)
haizxs. i feeel sick. my throat hurts and my body feels warm. maybe its just tonight. i hope it'd go away. im going to cut my hair tmr and i hava Snr tmr. haizxs. i hope i wont fail next wednesday's test. fuck commontests. its coming and hoho i am failing all my pop quizzes it seems. haizxs. im really very tired ):
i hope you're okay, because i cant really tell the level of your okayness in the sms. please be okay, because if not i wouldnt know what to do.

and alethea if you read this, HELLO :) dont ever ever say you cannot throw okay. you're in throws for a reason, because you CAN throw :) and we all know that. never doubt your abilities okay, i can see that you can do it! have more confidence in yourself, cheer up :) i hope you're okay already.

AND AS FOR JULIA AND NATALIE. I HATE YOU. THATS ALL I CAN SAY.
10:12 PM
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